There is no easy way to tell you this. As much as I want to believe that this is gonna stop, I'm tired of waiting. And God, believe me, I've search for happiness. But I just can't find it.
The despair makes me blind. It makes me want to give up on everything. And I just reached the breaking down point. I can't avoid the fact that I love people too much, and I can't show that love. I can't live with the pain around me and the pejorative looks.
And God, please, forgive me, because I have everything, I live well, I have a family that loves me, but it isn't enough. I don't know how to move on, when I see an exit, the road turns darker. I'm afraid I can't see anything. I'm a narcisist and selfish person. Is someone ready to help other people if the person doesn't feel comfortable and confident about her/himself?
My confidence and pleasure of living, I've lost them long ago. The constant pain and lost made me loose all the respect I had about the world and people in general. That disrespect feeds the constant anger. And it grows and grows.
Yes, I did. It sounds wrong, but in that moment, I felt it was the right thing to do. It was the way out of this world, my way to my nirvana. I would live all this world, full of emptiness and nothing, and I would go to a misterious and unknown world. Neverthless, the attempt failed, and it is heavy, in my conscience. Should I tell people? Or am I gonna make it worse?
The truth is that I've been living in renunciation, and I'm being bad to people around me. Never was my intencion to hurt you. Just to hurt myself.
However, and please God, forgive me, I feel alone and invisible in this world. I envy all that people that spend all day laughing and jumping around, because I always have my toughts redoubleing in my head.
Am I just dumb, I can't find out tought? Or am I a coward that doesn't face her own problems? If I did something, the world would change?
The point is that, and please, my God, I'm so sorry, I just want to do it, but I don't want anyone to notice that.
I wanna be the ghost I always been.