thins get worse and worse when I realize my family is not that great, and I'm also not that great, and it is all my fault. I miss u

When a friend pasts away and you don't have the chance to say goodbye...

Hey. You are probably thinking "Oh yeah, she is alive!"; I know I don't write for a long time. Well, today, and because I don't have anything to do, I decide to write a little bit. So, I thought to write about suicide. And well, on this blog, suicide is just a very normal subject, but I never really told you my vision of it. In my opinion, suicide is something very bad and dangerous, on that part I agree. But sometimes when people are talking and they say that someone commit suicide, they ask many times "why? he/she had money, family, and everything... What did he need?", and well, suicide is very connect to a psychological part that sometimes has anything to do with material things, or having a family or not. It is extremely connect to the fact that something is missing to the poeple that commit suicide, or attempt to. Life is not easy to anyone, and I'm conscious of that, but sometimes having money, a job, or a house, isn't enough to keep people alive. Feelings like guilt, having no self-confident, being useless, to disappoint everyone, not being important, .... I mean, there are so many feelings going on a suicidal mind. And people don't seem to understand that. When someone wants to commit suicide, people shouldn't underrate, saying that he has no corage to do that. Cause, trust me, I've been in that side, and everything can happen, when we want to do that, we have a strengh that, sometimes, we didn't know we had. It is dangerous. And, think, is it just the suicidal that doesn't feel good about it? I mean, thinking that something similar happens to you (I hope it never happens to you), how would you feel, knowing you could avoid that? And I've got to say, and also because if I didn't say this I would feel guilty, I had a really good friend when it comes to that subject. She is probably the only person I know that if she knew what I feel, she would be the only one answering like that, and showing how much it would affect her. And suicide is something that doesn't affect only the person that attemps, or commits, everyone around will feel something about it, and acording to the relationship you have with the person you'll experience it in a different way. And all those feelings can be avoid, if people around help with that process, cause a fragile person is not able to build his/her own world alone. People around make part of that world, and if instead of helping you just bring it down, it is like you were helping in the self-destruction process.
But, in summary, what I really want you to think about is this: is there anyone around me that could suffer like this?

It is the feeling that you'd rather be dead. I mean, in these last days, I cried every single day, because I just can't live anymore. At this certain moment, I don't hate world, I hate myself more than anything else. I don't like to live. I can't deal with my own person, and when this feeling that I've been describing on this blog is bigger than the love you feel about the people you love, you know what is the only solution. You know that soon or later I'll commit suicide.

There will always be a time in your life when you'll realise you are fn' alone. That you have a few friends. That those ones that seemed to care about you, are nothing but the ones that say the worst things about you. That they are not worried, but just want to know what's the matter to judge and make fun of you. I know it is sad, extremely true. It hurts a lot. And more than that, it makes you feel alone. And more than that, it makes you feel no one. That you don't mean anything to anyone. That you are never important. Not that you never felt that way, but this feeling grows. Like I said before, I have no confidente on myself. Because people never made me feel wanted. Because I'm ugly, fat, not talented and boring. I'm a forever alone. I'll never feel wanted, or pretty, or someone. I'm no one, and I'm conscious of it. But all I wanted was to find someone that could be next to me everyday. Someone that could understand me better than anyone else. Someone that was able to look at my face and tell me what I'm thinking about. Just that.

There is no worse pain than to disappoint your mother.

How I understand this... I feel like I disappoint her with every single word I say. I have no great marks, I have no talent, I don't do anything well... I understand why she doesn't feel proud of me. Every friend she has, their children are talented or have great marks.... I suck....

Those people that are suposed to be someone, always end-up being no one.

Olá! Portanto, esta vai em português, a única pessoa que me interessa que leia isto é portuguesa, assim que não me vou chatear a traduzir. Então isto é uma dedicatória:

Para a (... tu sabes não sabes? Ótimo!),
posso às vezes não mostrar o quão importante és para mim. Até que te posso responder torto, ou ignorar e embirrar por coisas estúpidas, mas tu sabes que és das poucas pessoas, muito poucas, que me conseguem ouvir durante horas sem me mandar calar (que pachorra...), e que me apoiam em tudo... Tu podes não saber da missa a metade, mas pelo menos dás-te ao trabalho de me tentar conhecer, ao contrário do resto do mundo que prefere julgar sem saber do que fala. És das poucas pessoas que me aceitam como eu sou, sem me repreenderem ou criticarem, que mesmo sabendo que eu, efetivamente, não tenho talento para nada, arranja sempre maneira de me dizer que tenho jeito para alguma coisa. Apoias a minha maluqueira, aturas a minha dupla personalidade, a minha bipolaridade, as minhas manias estúpidas e ainda consegues desculpar quando acontecem os episódios em que me para o relógio (Risquinhas... ;) )...
És (tu e a Hope, vá) a única pessoa que tenta sempre fazer com que eu fique feliz e tenha mais confiança em mim mesma (quase sempre sem sucesso, mas eu sou burra, e portanto sou assim e não há nada a fazer). A única pessoa (+ a Hope, pronto, sempre a Hope incluída...) que quando soube o que eu efetivamente fiz, não te afastaste e disseste que tinhas vergonha de mim, mas chamaste-me a razão e fizeste-me perceber que não posso chegar a este ponto de autodestruição. Mesmo que eu um dia acabe como eu digo sempre que vou acabar, que será no dia em que eu atinja o desespero total e nem a importância de quem se sabe chegue para me manter viva, eu quero que saibas que não há forma de remedir o facto de eu ser autodestrutiva e me odiar. Mas, de qualquer das formas, obrigada por tudo. :)

Hey. Talking about something that maybe won't change your life ( I think anything I write here changes someone's life, but never mind), but I really want to tell this to the world, because she deserves this, or even more, but I'm not good enough to do more than this. That's me, a weak stupid and dumb girl, that as much as she wants to surprise one of her best friends, never had a idea good enough... Never mind.
So well, let's make this a story; we have 3 characters: X, a girl from Portugal, Z, a girl from germany, and A, then you see.
So, X has many problems with self-esteem, she thinks she's not good enough (the truth is that she isn't), that the  first person she trusted the most pasted away, and since that she's never been the same, a girl that never listened to someone saying "I'm proud of you", someone that every week listens "I don't know why you are my daughter". Is it supposed that she feels happy and confident? I don't think so.
And then we have Z, a girl from Germany, with social problems as well, and other things that I'm probably not allowed to say on the internet. Well, the point is that Z is a awsome person.
Z knows how to make X smile like anyone else, she is always here for everything, she was the first person that told her in X's whole life "I'm proud of you"! Z always knows what to tell her when she is sad, she has the beautiful talent to make her smile and cry (of happiness) at the same time! She never gets bored of X, she never told her to shut up, she never disappointed her... She means so much more than people that are this ( I mean -        -) to her... She is in germany, X is in Portugal! Fuck, a distance of   2,206km, 21h30...! And they are best friends! This relationship shows so many things:
- that distance doesn't kill any relationship if people want; it can make it stronger... (altough it is fuckin awful -.- )
- that friendship doens't choose a city, a country, a language, a religion, an age, hair coulor, and all that: this friendship is pure;
- that people you call "forever alone" and "antisocial" can really have friends that care about them!
- while your hanging around and saying mean things about someone on their backs, we are talking with each other, not about you, but about ourselves, which have problems and story to tell, not a milion of mistakes the other people did...
- and more than everything, it shows how strong a real friendship can be: it remains pure and strong even so distante...
I don't care what you call me or if you hate me, or if you think I'm not able to make friends easily, God gave me something much important than the gift of having 100 "supposed" friends: He gave me Hope, my shooting star! I love you! <3