Hi! How are you? I hope good, because I'm not. Tomorrow school will restart, and I'm just not ready for it. I mean, I stayed 3 days ill at home, and then one more week. I've been so distante of world, and it feels good, and I just don't know how to come back to that noisy place. I'm not in the mood of talking to everyone just for being nice. I'm not in the mood to behave like a kid that doesn't think of the consequences of the things. I'm not like that, I won't pretend I am that kind of person. I feel so fuckin alone in that school... I just hate the classes, and the fact that I have to speak about stupid things. I mean, why the fuck teacher asks me why the wardrob was made of wood? Maybe because the writter wrote that, I don't know... But for the teacher it represents the sheap... So fuckin logical... I'm tired of this. Why do we have to speak about this kind of stuff? I mean, what is the big deal of a wardrob made of wood? Teachers just think about what anyone cares. And the worse is not that, the worse is that I had bad marks and I have to study hard to get good marks. I've always loved to study, but this days... I don't really think about it. I feel extremely tired and I don't care about anything. I need to stay alone more frequently, because I can't live like this. Sorry about that, but I need this.
And not just that. I try to say something to people, but the seam they don't understand a fuckin thing, and I get of this, I won't live my entire life waiting people understand something. Sometimes I do things on a propuse, because, and using a portuguese expression "amor com amor se paga". The expression means that if people do something to me, I'll do the same to them. End of the story.

Hello!! So, today, is just a good day!! KURT COBAIN'S BIRTHDAY!!!!!! One of the best days of all year.
Dear Kurt,
I have so many things to say, but I just don't find words for it. Thanks for being my inspiration, and for everything you brought to our world. Altough you aren't with us at the moment, all Nirvana fans feel your right here. Thanks for the toughts, songs, melodys, lyrics, emotions, screams, broken guitars, and destroyed stage stuff. Thanks for showing to the world what real music is. Thanks for showng to the world how unhappy children were. Thanks for making people smile and cry because of your songs. Thanks for that wondeful smile you had when you asked the audience to say "Courtney, we love you!". Thanks for being an idol to all that kids and people in general that felt world sucked, and there wasn't anyone good. I felt like this before I met Nirvana, I saw that our world was full of stupid songs and artists, and then I listened to Nirvana, and I said: "This is amazing". Since that, I never stoped listening to your music and I fell in love with your music and you. My passion for music in general, including writing, was feeded by you. I love playing guitar and writing, because all the stuff you've done inspire me. Thanks for being the god that inspires me and Hope and all those people around the world. Rest in peace Kurt Cobain, we will keep your memory alive.

I can't live anymore. I'm just so tired of myself. I don't know what to do next. I've lost all the passion I had for everything I used to love. And more that, I don't only hate the world, but I hate myself more than anything. I just want a gun and shoot my head, and this all the end. YAY!! Sorry, but I'm just feeling awfull

 This sentence is just brilliant, not just because it was said by Kurt Cobain, my idol, but also because of the message. It gives us a very important message, and it also fits me, sometimes I don't believe in myself, and I want to be someone else because I want the other people to like me. I kinda lived part of my life like this. Since I start listening to Nirvana I realize it isn't wrong to be different, the real mistake is to be like the others. 

There is no easy way to tell you this. As much as I want to believe that this is gonna stop, I'm tired of waiting. And God, believe me, I've search for happiness. But I just can't find it.
The despair makes me blind. It makes me want to give up on everything. And I just reached the breaking down point. I can't avoid the fact that I love people too much, and I can't show that love. I can't live with the pain around me and the pejorative looks.
And God, please, forgive me, because I have everything, I live well, I have a family that loves me, but it isn't enough. I don't know how to move on, when I see an exit, the road turns darker. I'm afraid I can't see anything. I'm a narcisist and selfish person. Is someone ready to help other people if the person doesn't feel comfortable and confident about her/himself?
My confidence and pleasure of living, I've lost them long ago. The constant pain and lost made me loose all the respect I had about the world and people in general. That disrespect feeds the constant anger. And it grows and grows.
Yes, I did. It sounds wrong, but in that moment, I felt it was the right thing to do. It was the way out of this world, my way to my nirvana. I would live all this world, full of emptiness and nothing, and I would go to a misterious and unknown world. Neverthless, the attempt failed, and it is heavy, in my conscience. Should I tell people? Or am I gonna make it worse?
The truth is that I've been living in renunciation, and I'm being bad to people around me. Never was my intencion to hurt you. Just to hurt myself.
However, and please God, forgive me, I feel alone and invisible in this world. I envy all that people that spend all day laughing and jumping around, because I always have my toughts redoubleing in my head.
Am I just dumb, I can't find out tought? Or am I a coward that doesn't face her own problems? If I did something, the world would change?
The point is that, and please, my God, I'm so sorry, I just want to do it, but I don't want anyone to notice that.
I wanna be the ghost I always been.

At a certain time, you realize that some people are not like you think they are. Maybe some things that happen had a propose, they wanted to do it in fact. Ok, it can be truth. But it also can be lie. Let's consider that it is, in fact, as you tought it was. It sucks.... I mean, there is not a small thing about you, like you were a ghost and no one noticed about you... So fuckin cool... Sorry for the mess, I know this is a bit confuse, but the point is that I'm pissed off with my world and people around me, and everyone knows it, but anyone cares. And those who cares about it, I can't just tell them, I'm so tired of this. I kinda see my happiness dependent of lithium and medicines. I don't want be happy because I took some medicine. I don't want to pretend I'm happy if I'm not. The worse thing someone can do is to fake it. To pretend you're happy and having 100% fun, is just the worse crime I can imagine (like Kurt Cobain said). It is called hypocrisy, and I hate it. I won't tell to the world that I love everyone around me, and life is pink. No, life's not pink, life's not easy, it sucks. But it just depends on you if you want to see life grey and black or a pinky life.

Good night,
today I felt like a bipolar. In a certain way, I'm extremely happy and I just want to laugh and jump around. But there is also a part of me that remindes me about my problems. I gotta say, I'm always saying that I have problems and if you don't care about my problems you can just stop reading right here. I don't want people to read my blog if they don't want to.I'm being stupid, sorry. I kinda feel I live in two different worlds. One world where I have to be like the others, good girl, good student, the world where I'm supposed to be perfect and extremely smart and intelligent and like the other people around me. And then there is another world where I can be myself, think about suicide, listen to my music, writte whatever I want to, do what I want, be alone. A world where I can think about me. I have to addmit, I live almost all the time in the perfect dream world. I have to go home and smile and laugh; I have to be in school and talk to the others, answer to the teachers, do the exercises... I feel like "What the hell?! I just want to have a gun and a notebook and a pen and do whatever I want!!" I want to be free, I feel like I'm closed on a room, full of stupid things, stupid problems, fake happiness. When I went home, I was listening to "Sappy" by Nirvana (I love that song, I recomend everyone to listen to it) and I realised that people pretend they are happy, they wear the happy and pinky glasses (thanks for the idea Hope!!), and they don't want to see the truth. The truth is that life sucks, problems are everywhere and death is always in the next door. I don't want to look like that narcisists that just give importance to things when they loose them, but I've lost all the passion for living. I see life as the long road untill precipice called death, someday I know I'll be next to Kurt Cobain and friends that I lost, and that fact is not supposed to make us sad, but happy. Conclusion: Life sucks.