Just a small text:


"She came to me, and said:
"Can I just disappear?"
No, you can't. I won't let you. Because honey, if you go away... Then I'll have to go with you. I can't lose you,  not in a million years.
You taught me to never give up. Never. I'm not gonna let you do that. You've told me a million times that I'm strong and I can do it. And I might be strong, but you're way stronger than me. You might not be aware of that, but you're my source of faith and hope. You make me believe that I can get better, that someday, I'll wake up in the morning and feel truely happy.
When I'm with you, which is most of the day, I just forget about all the shit, and that's something I can't pay. For as much 'thank you' I could say, it wouldn't be enough.
You really do inspire me. You're my sister, and no one's gonna ever change that. I don't just love you, I adore you. I wasn't alive if it wasn't for you, so yeah, I can't lose you, not today, not tomorrow, never."

Hey... The blog is kinda abandoned... But things are getting kind of overwhelming for me. I feel like I'll have a mental breakdown everyday. I feel like I can't cope with things anymore. I feel like losing the control. And, god, I hate it, I hate this feeling like my life is not mine anymore.

During the last months, I kinda got better from my eating issues. But now that school started and I look around and see all those thin and pretty girls... It comes back, automatically. I just can't deal with this. It's a constant hate feeling. I feel pathetic when I eat, "You stupid! Look how many calories you're self-inflicting? Fat, fat, fat!"- every fn' time I eat. I'm just getting so fucked because of it. I want to be normal again , you know...? Eating disorders suck.

My Tumblr

Hey, if any of you has Tumblr, feel free to follow me (:

sapukai-pe-pytu.tumblr.com

I follow everyone back (:

Hey guys! Thank you so much! This blog has more than 3000 views (:

No, I'm not ashamed of admitting it. Of course I won't scream it out loud. I'm not gonna introduce myself by saying "Hello, I'm Beatriz, and I self-harm".

I'm not ashamed of it. It's a dark phase of my life, it's an addiction, it's something I hate to do. But these scars, these marks in my body, are now part of me, I'm these, I'm full of scars, not that I like it, but I have to deal with it, they are not going to disappear, so I just have to get used to this.

Accurate. 

You can never really forget what happens to you, you just bury it and pretend you don't remember.

Hey. Well, I just found this Q&A on Tumblr and I thought it would be cool to answer to some of the questions, 'cause I'm bored as fuck.

Q: Favorite celebrity hair.
A: Hmmm... Amy Winehouse, I love her hair! And I love Amy Lee's hair as well.

Q: Do you like men who wear Axe?
A: Well, I don't really care about that, as long as they don't smell I'm fine xD

Q: Most rebellious thing you've ever done.
A: *That moment I realize I'm the most boring person on earth* Do I do rebellious things?????

Q: Least favorite teacher and why.
A: My art teacher from 7th and 8th grades. Oh for fuck sake, that woman just annoyed the shit outta me. She was like constantly telling me I suck and that I'm clumsy and I do not put effort on things... It's like, I know I suck at drawing and painting and art work! But I don't give a fuck about that!!

Q: Most played song on your iPhone/iPod.
A: "Black" by Pearl Jam :3 <3

Q: How many roses have you receive last Valentine's?
A: Oh they were about 0!!!!!

Q: Do you like getting hurt?
A: No, not at all. Although I self-harm, I hate getting hurt, specially emotionally, because I just make myself feel guilty about everything that happens.

Q: Do you love someone as of the moment?
A: Well...

Q: Have you ever thought about killing yourself?
A: Isn't what this blog's about?

Q: Do you think all pain is worth it?
A: I like to believe so ahah I like to think that someday, our struggles and tears will be replaced by smiles, and we'll find happiness in between this shitty world.

Q: Do you want to get married?
A: No, because I think it wouldn't work. I mean, and I also don't need a ring or a ceremony to prove anything.

Q: Do you believe first true love never dies?
A: I believe true love never dies. It can be buried inside, but we can't just get rid of it- that's what I think.

Q: 4 turns on.
A: Guys that play guitar, guys that play bass, guys that are obsessed with guitars, guys with dark hair.

Q: Favorite movie.
A: "The Last Exorcism" and "Prozac Nation".

Hello guys. So, some days ago I got an email asking me to talk about my crush.  I had already got some similar emails, but I personally hate talking about him. However, guess what, I'll talk about him today.
This text was written yesterday's night, and it's not the ordinary response, it's more of a letter, kinda close to a goodbye letter. I hope you like it (:
                                   
"16/07/2013

Never thought I'd be writing this letter.
I know you don't give a fuck about me. But god damn it... I do give a fuck about you. Or better said, I care about you.
For so long you were the reason to stay alive, wake up another day, just to see you smile. But at the same time, it killed me every time I realized I was never the reason for it. Oh, how I wish I could own that smile...
For so long you were the reason to stay alive, wake up another day, just to see you passing by. Since I fell for you, I can't stop watching you while you're talking to your friends, in what seems the horizon for me. And I still lose my breath when you walk close to me. However, you're still breathing well, because I'm useless to you.
For so long you were the reason to stay alive, wake up another day, just to stare at you. When you're seating there, by yourself, and you might think nobody notices you or gives a shit, I do, anyway. And I notice you're alone. And I wish I could be next to you. Yet you don't want me close to you anyways.
And it might seem I'm chasing after you during the day, but you haunt me when I'm lying in my bed at night.
I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry for bothering and making you waste your time.
It's just... You are too good for me to give up so easily. Even though you've made clear your opinion towards me, it doesn't seem to harm enough. I was just expecting it.
Sorry for my lack of beauty and/or something that captivates you. I know I'm nothing special, but I'd have cared, if you'd let me to.
I just want you to know that everyone makes mistakes, and I'm the mistaken here.
I look at the clock. It's a little too late.
Never thought I'd be writing this letter to you, while my stomach aches fullof pills and my eyes drown in tears.
It's just... You closed the door, and I can't wait any longer. It's too cold in here...
And even in death, I'll keep loving you."

So accurate...

                     

     

My weight has become my obsession. It's all I think about. This has come to a point that I can't control these thoughts anymore. I look at food and automatically wonder how many calories does it have. I try to find excuses to starve, but sometimes I can't , and when that happens... I just think "I hate myself so much". I feel disgusted when I look at my reflection. It's all fat. I'm ugly and fat. I hate my body. Although I lost some weight, it's not enough. I still look like a fat pig.
My problem is that, when I'm on vacation, I don't know how to keep my mind busy, so I think about food way more than I want. And that leads to binge eating phases, or starvation phases.
I hate binge eating phases. They make me feel like shit, the most horrible person in the world. They make me feel like I have no control in myself.
Contrariwise, starvation phases make me feel powerful. They make me feel on the top of the world, like I'm able to control everything. I'm able to control my own body and mind. I can win this fight between myself and my brain. Hunger is temporary, the glory of loosing weight and feeling thin seems eternal to me. 

Hey. I'm sorry for not posting much, but I just feel close to a mental breakdown.

Hey guys! So today I have to answer to three questions of my "30 day Self-harm challenge", because I didn't have time to write these days.

2- What part of your body is the most affected by it?
My arms and my legs. I cut more often on my arms, but when I cut myself in my legs I cut more.

3- What is your motivation to recover?
Well, I kinda have a lot of motivation to recover. My best friend helps me a lot in my recovery process.

4- Do you consider yourself "addicted"? Why? Why not?
Not really. For me, it would only be an addiction if I cut like three times a week, even if I didn't feel like it. And I only cut when I'm through really difficult times. And at those times I cut a lot.

I saw this this morning on Tumblr. And it hit me like a stone in the face. 

Well, for the ones who didn't understand the picture, this girl is purging. Not because she's sick, but because she wants to get thinner. To become "perfect". I used to be one of these girls that seat in the toilet to purge. It's so sad. It's decadent. It's just depressing that society programmed us to think that size 0 is perfection. Instead of that, society should teach us that perfection comes from the inside. The outside is temporary, it's changes so much during your life. The inside, although it also goes through a lot of changes, the real content of your personality lasts forever. And perhaps we should be more worried about being perfect on the inside, instead of being so obsessed with our outside. But well, I know we live in a fucked up society, and people just judge you from the outside. If people don't like your outer beauty, they don't give you the chance to show them your inner beauty, and this is sad and some sort of stupid for me.
However, there's still some innocence inside of me, and I truly believe that, if each one of us tries to change things, one day, this world will be better. And people won't have to feel insecure about themselves anymore. I dream about this perfect world. Yeah, how dumb of me. 

My Tumblr

http://sapukai-pe-pytu.tumblr.com/
If any of you has a Tumblr, feel free to follow me (: I always follow back.

Hey guys, I'm finally on vacations. So, I'll have a lot more time to update and write on the blog.
Today I'll start a "30 day Self-harm challenge".

Day 1- How long have you been self-harming? Discuss why you started.

I've been self-harming more frequently since the end of 2011/beggining of 2012. I was feeling alone, going through a difficult time, I hated myself so much, I was extremely suicidal. I felt like I was loosing control of my own life. I couldn't control any longer the inner pain I was feeling. And when I started self-harming I felt like I finally had control over myself, like there was some kind of pain that I could actually control. But I easily became addicted and lost control of it. And then, just problems...

Hey guys. There's been a lot going on in my life at this moment. Lots of shit. Never mind. 

I'm starting a new diet. Well, better said, a new way of losing weight. Basically all I do is skiping meals and eating as less as I can. Eventually I throw up. 

Today for lunch I ate 633 kcal, which is too much. I just hope I don't have to eat much at dinner, or I think I'll have to throw up. My weight has become a total obsession...

My feelings

No, I don't promote self-harm, eating disorders or any other thing.
These are my feelings.