No, I'm not ashamed of admitting it. Of course I won't scream it out loud. I'm not gonna introduce myself by saying "Hello, I'm Beatriz, and I self-harm".

I'm not ashamed of it. It's a dark phase of my life, it's an addiction, it's something I hate to do. But these scars, these marks in my body, are now part of me, I'm these, I'm full of scars, not that I like it, but I have to deal with it, they are not going to disappear, so I just have to get used to this.

Accurate. 

You can never really forget what happens to you, you just bury it and pretend you don't remember.

Hey. Well, I just found this Q&A on Tumblr and I thought it would be cool to answer to some of the questions, 'cause I'm bored as fuck.

Q: Favorite celebrity hair.
A: Hmmm... Amy Winehouse, I love her hair! And I love Amy Lee's hair as well.

Q: Do you like men who wear Axe?
A: Well, I don't really care about that, as long as they don't smell I'm fine xD

Q: Most rebellious thing you've ever done.
A: *That moment I realize I'm the most boring person on earth* Do I do rebellious things?????

Q: Least favorite teacher and why.
A: My art teacher from 7th and 8th grades. Oh for fuck sake, that woman just annoyed the shit outta me. She was like constantly telling me I suck and that I'm clumsy and I do not put effort on things... It's like, I know I suck at drawing and painting and art work! But I don't give a fuck about that!!

Q: Most played song on your iPhone/iPod.
A: "Black" by Pearl Jam :3 <3

Q: How many roses have you receive last Valentine's?
A: Oh they were about 0!!!!!

Q: Do you like getting hurt?
A: No, not at all. Although I self-harm, I hate getting hurt, specially emotionally, because I just make myself feel guilty about everything that happens.

Q: Do you love someone as of the moment?
A: Well...

Q: Have you ever thought about killing yourself?
A: Isn't what this blog's about?

Q: Do you think all pain is worth it?
A: I like to believe so ahah I like to think that someday, our struggles and tears will be replaced by smiles, and we'll find happiness in between this shitty world.

Q: Do you want to get married?
A: No, because I think it wouldn't work. I mean, and I also don't need a ring or a ceremony to prove anything.

Q: Do you believe first true love never dies?
A: I believe true love never dies. It can be buried inside, but we can't just get rid of it- that's what I think.

Q: 4 turns on.
A: Guys that play guitar, guys that play bass, guys that are obsessed with guitars, guys with dark hair.

Q: Favorite movie.
A: "The Last Exorcism" and "Prozac Nation".

Hello guys. So, some days ago I got an email asking me to talk about my crush.  I had already got some similar emails, but I personally hate talking about him. However, guess what, I'll talk about him today.
This text was written yesterday's night, and it's not the ordinary response, it's more of a letter, kinda close to a goodbye letter. I hope you like it (:
                                   
"16/07/2013

Never thought I'd be writing this letter.
I know you don't give a fuck about me. But god damn it... I do give a fuck about you. Or better said, I care about you.
For so long you were the reason to stay alive, wake up another day, just to see you smile. But at the same time, it killed me every time I realized I was never the reason for it. Oh, how I wish I could own that smile...
For so long you were the reason to stay alive, wake up another day, just to see you passing by. Since I fell for you, I can't stop watching you while you're talking to your friends, in what seems the horizon for me. And I still lose my breath when you walk close to me. However, you're still breathing well, because I'm useless to you.
For so long you were the reason to stay alive, wake up another day, just to stare at you. When you're seating there, by yourself, and you might think nobody notices you or gives a shit, I do, anyway. And I notice you're alone. And I wish I could be next to you. Yet you don't want me close to you anyways.
And it might seem I'm chasing after you during the day, but you haunt me when I'm lying in my bed at night.
I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry for bothering and making you waste your time.
It's just... You are too good for me to give up so easily. Even though you've made clear your opinion towards me, it doesn't seem to harm enough. I was just expecting it.
Sorry for my lack of beauty and/or something that captivates you. I know I'm nothing special, but I'd have cared, if you'd let me to.
I just want you to know that everyone makes mistakes, and I'm the mistaken here.
I look at the clock. It's a little too late.
Never thought I'd be writing this letter to you, while my stomach aches fullof pills and my eyes drown in tears.
It's just... You closed the door, and I can't wait any longer. It's too cold in here...
And even in death, I'll keep loving you."

So accurate...

                     

     

My weight has become my obsession. It's all I think about. This has come to a point that I can't control these thoughts anymore. I look at food and automatically wonder how many calories does it have. I try to find excuses to starve, but sometimes I can't , and when that happens... I just think "I hate myself so much". I feel disgusted when I look at my reflection. It's all fat. I'm ugly and fat. I hate my body. Although I lost some weight, it's not enough. I still look like a fat pig.
My problem is that, when I'm on vacation, I don't know how to keep my mind busy, so I think about food way more than I want. And that leads to binge eating phases, or starvation phases.
I hate binge eating phases. They make me feel like shit, the most horrible person in the world. They make me feel like I have no control in myself.
Contrariwise, starvation phases make me feel powerful. They make me feel on the top of the world, like I'm able to control everything. I'm able to control my own body and mind. I can win this fight between myself and my brain. Hunger is temporary, the glory of loosing weight and feeling thin seems eternal to me. 

Hey. I'm sorry for not posting much, but I just feel close to a mental breakdown.