I do that really often. I don't message people to see if they message me. They never do.

This one is for all the boys. Please keep strong <3

I wonde if he ever thought about me. Asking that he thought as much as I do would be too much. It hurts to think all day about someone that doesn't give a shit about you. And you really wanna forget him, but when you think you finally did it, all the feelings are back.

This picture just describes it all. Asking why you cut yourself is one of the dumbest questions ever. The answer seems pretty easy to figure out, even if you don't understand it.

Today I bought 3 cds yay!!! Well, in fact 4, because one of them had two, and I just noticed it at home hehe



1. Live after Death- Iron Maiden
2. Dream of Mirrors- Iron Maiden
3. I'm with you- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Btw, please check out my other blog, www.myrocknmetal.blogspot.com
It's about music, rock and metal, I guess that's kinda obvious ahah

Translation: psychological hug.
So, a psychological hug to all the people that check out this blog. I'm not really popular, neither my blogs, but to have viewers from so many countries makes my day. Because I really love this, and this is part of my life. Thank you for the emails telling me to keep strong and that things will get better. A really big hug to everyone that check out this blog, for the ones who feel the same way I do, and also for the ones who don't. Please, keep strong <3

This lovely picture goes to everyone that ever made me feel like shit.

This picture is so gorgeous. For me, this picture represents all I love about death.

Good night. Today I feel like my head us going to explode /: Not a good feeling, at all. Well, for my portuguese lesson, I had to read the book O conto da Ilha Desconhecida by the portuguese writer José Saramago. And while I was reading it, some sentences sounded to me sorta interesting, and I would like to share them here. First, I'll put the original version, which is, obviously, in portuguese, and then I'll make a translation.

- "Gostar é provavelmente a melhor maneira de ter, ter deve ser a pior maneira de gostar". "To like something is probably the best way to own it, owning something should be the worst of liking it".
- "Se não sais de ti, não chegas a saber quem és". "If you don't get out of yourself, you do not come to know who you really are".
- "O mar não ensina a navegar." "The sea doesn't teach you how to sail". (at first, probably this sentence will sound dumb as seen as a quote, but reflect about it for some seconds, and realize how much it says.)

 Yeah, I do :) I love that freedom of talking about what I like without thinking that I'm annoying. The simple fact that I can ask my friend to shake her head with me and she does it, without any problem. We sing in the middle of the school, none of us care about what other people think. We can talk about autism and schizophrenia, guitars and pianos, books, my obsessions, her obsessions. I can be a total freak, because I'm a total freak. And, for me, it's just priceless to be myself with someone.

I hope you can talk about "Smells like Teen Spirit" with a smile on your face.
I hope you love Nirvana as much as I do.
I hope you can spend all day listening to music.
I hope you know the difference between grunge and punk rock.
I hope you like to play "air guitar".
I hope you can distinguish the bass from the guitar.
I hope you like headbanging.
I hope you remember song lyrics during the day in different situations.
All in all, I just hope music is part of your world, like it is part of mine.

I'm still struggling with my weight. I never felt comfortable with it, but these last months it became worse. I no longer can eat without thinking about throwing up and feeling guilty. I want to stop this, but I know it won't stop until I get the perfect weight.

 I knew I was in love when this happen. I knew I was in love when, after that thing you said about Smells like Teen Spirit, I couldn't stop thinking about your voice and the smile you had in your face. And since that, I always smile when I see you smile and when I talk to you. When we had that "long" chat, I smiled so much the rest of the day and the day after... I couldn't focus on anything the whole afternoon. All I though about was your eyes and the way you talked to me.

Please? Don't ever let your children (boy or girl). Please never preasure your child to be skinny, don't tell them they are fat. There are other ways to control their weight. Hearing that you are fat and ugly since you're a child hurts. It hurts and leaves a scar, and as you know, that scar neves goes away. There's beauty in everyone, the weight is just a number. I beg to never do this to your children. Please...

 I'll do it, it sounds pretty interesting... At least I can, at the end of the year, see what happened of positive. I tend to just think about the bad things, and sometimes is good to know the positive things that happen in my life. It'll give me strengh for another year...
When it's new year's eve, I always think to myself "Beatriz, you survived more 365 days, you're strong"... but I won't be strong forever...

My boots :3

Hi! I hope you had a wonderful christmas! Mine was amazing :) (but at the same time sorta difficult)
First the good things: I had the chance to be with all my family, I don't see them very often :(
My presents: amazing! I had a distortion pedal for my guitar, I had drum set (yey!!!!!), Nirvana- the true story book, Os filhos da droga, desta vez é mesmo meu hehe o outro era emprestado ;)), tickets for the Iron Maiden concert in Lisbon (!!!), boots (I'll show a picture later) and clothes. A lot of stuff!!!
The bad thing is the effort I did to eat. And I ate so much... I threw up twice, but I ate so much that I must have gained 2kg... It was frustrating how I looked at all that food and though to myself "you can't eat this, you're fat". I just hope I can loose the weight I gained...

Merry Christmas!

I wish you and your family a merry christmas, with a lot of love and hope!!

"Time doesn't heal wounds, it just puts a thin cover on them." (taken from www.desmotivaciones.es)

This statement is so true- how the fuck do people expect me to forget and "get over" on the fact I was bullied for 7 years? Seriously, tell me. I suffered so much during those 7 years, how the heck should I forget all that pain? How am I supposed to just let go all the insecurity I have about people and my relationship to them? How should I face the people who did that to me? People think it's pretty easy to say "hey, I was bullied for 7 years". Well, it isn't, or, at least for me it wasn't. Bullying changed me, I'll never be the same. Sad, probably. True, yes. Please, just don't ask me to be myself, because I no longer know who I am. I became so insecure about the way I am, about my personality, that I started to hide myself. I became so cold and emotionless... I became so unsure about people around me. It became a paranoia. I can't look at someone in the eyes, I simply can't. Why? Because I don't trust into people, and I'm afraid if people look at me in the eyes they can see my weakness, I'm afraid they realize the mess I am. I laugh too much, but why do I laugh so much? Because I find things funny? No. No. Because it is a way of hiding how much I hate people around me. It's fake happiness. And my real laugh is really different from my forced one. And just a few people know how to distinguish my laugh. I seem a pretty outspoken, relaxed, outgoing, cold person. Like, people ask me fo advice because I always tell them that sincerely all that stuff is senseless and it has a simple solution. On the inside, I'm such a broken thing. Helpless, depressed, emotionless, numb, low self-esteem. I have no hope in myself. And people don't understand that. Most of people don't know how it is to wake up in the morning wishing you didn't, to compare yourself to everyone you see, to feel like no one needs you, to feel like you don't belong anywhere, that you're always dissappointing. So, just don't ask me to forget it, it is part of the person I am right now.

"I'll never let a simple DNA tell me who's my brother and who's not." (taken from www.desmotivaciones.es)

Maybe we don't have the same parents, neither the same family. But the simple fact I can share my problems with you makes us sisters/brothers. The fact that I can share what I like with you makes us closer. A brother/sister is not only the person that has the same parents as you, but the person that shares his/her life experience with you, and allows you to share your life experience him/her. 

These three pictures up there are "psycho" barbie. When I saw these pictures, an immediatte thought came to my mind: this shows so much...! I mean, look at barbie: the stereotype beauty, with a perfect body, a lovely figure that everyone likes; but, however, there's always a dark side. This case, how you can see, barbie killed someone (sorry, but I don't know any more names). Never judge someone by their appearance- they can be so much different... I'm some sorta an example of that. I look such a normal girl from the outside, but on the inside, there's too many things going on, and I struggle with myself a lot...
So, in summary, the outside is not always the right way to judge someone... Like barbie, you can look so sweet and lovely on the outside, but be a psychopath.

This image didn't only make me think about the song "Wish you were here" by Pink Floyd (a song I totally love), but also about how much I miss you </3 Even being conscious that you'll never read this post or talk to me again, I still want to dedicate you this post. Porque, por muitos anos que passem, eu nunca te vou esquecer, porque os grandes nunca se esquecem. Vais estar sempre na minha memória, e vou-te recordar sempre como a minha irmã das tabletes de chocolate :) Pelo teu sorriso super branco; pelos teus olhos enormes e brilhantes; pelo lápis, tipo egípcia, que punhas nos olhos; pelas unhas que tinhas sempre pintadas de preto; pelas botas e o casaco de couro que disseste que eu um dia ia poder usar; pela mania que tu tinhas de andar sempre com os auscultadores atras; etc... Hei-de de sempre recordar-te por algum motivo. Eras como um ídolo para mim, pela maneira como sempre lutaste por tudo na tua vida. Inspiras-me em muitos sentidos, e principalmente porque sempre acreditaste em mim, mesmo quando toda a gente duvidava. E, MUITO OBRIGADA por me teres passado o teu gosto musical :D
Sabes... Tenho saudades tuas... Tenho saudades de te ouvir a tocar  e a cantar... Tenho saudades da nossa amizade, e da maneira carinhosa como me tratavas, apesar da diferença de idades que temos. Tenho saudades de te abraçar.
Os grandes deixam a terra cedo, mas nem por isso são esquecidos.

People don't get it. I'm not thin enough. I still don't feel thin, and nothing is gonna change the fact that I want to get thin. I already wear one size lower on pants, finally. I feel like I'm going in the right direction.

This sentence echoes in my head. All this life is a game. Some one and some lose. The ones who win, live until God decides it's their time to leave. The ones who lose, are the ones who death decided to take their lifes, their own sadness took their lifes away.

"You're my only strenght"
"Broken, lifeless, I give up"
"Constantly ignoring, the pain consuming me, but this time it's cut too deep, I'll never stray again"

Quotes taken from "October" by Evanescence

Hey :) You know, this blog as almost 2000 views... It would be really cool if on December 31st, the blog has 2000 views or more... Can you please spread the blog? I mean, share it on your facebook/twitter/tumblr/blog/whatever. It would mean a world to me. Thank you :*

Not just lately, I think in my entire life I loved music more than péople. Why? 6 simple reasons:
1- You can turn off music when you wanna hear no noise; you can't turn off people because sadly they can't shut the fuck up when they should;
2- There is music for every mood;
3- Music never leaves you. No matter what you do, music is always there to help you.
4- It's a way to express yourself.
5- It understands better your feelings than anyone else.
6- There is always a right song for the moment.

                                          

Hehe ;) just a small trick... On the first picture we have the HOT EDDIE VEDDER in the 90's, and the second one the cutie baby Kurt Cobain, with a gorgeus smile and beautiful blue eyes and a shinny blond hair :3

It's a cute quote, this one. Specially because you can interpret it in different ways.
In my opinion, "poem", here, refers to a person, I mean, "the first person you've ever loved", in the sense that you spent your lifetime comparing everyone that you loved to the person you loved first. That can be bad, but it also shows how intensily you loved that person, to the point that you can't forget about the person. It's interesting how some people just get so attached to their first love. And, for me, that is really cute.

That's true. Sometimes I have high expectations about people, I expect them to do for me the same I would do for them. The fact is that I would give my life away for certain people, but they wouldn't do the same. It's sorta interesting to see how "someone" can love "another one" in a different way that "another one" loves "someone". I would give my life away for any of my friends and family, but I know most of them wouldn't do the same, even if they say they would, I know it's a lie, because when I needed, no one was there, and when I say no one, is 0.

Good morning. If I was to do a tattoo, this would be beautiful. Probably I'll do this with a pen in my wrist ahah.
I love it not only by the meaning odf the word it-self, but also because my best friend is named Hope.
The word itself says a lot to me, because, having in consideration the problems I'm facing, the only thing left is to hope everything changes someday.
But the fact that it is my best friend's name makes it even more special. She lives in Germany and I live in Portugal :c It's pretty far away... I still didn't have the chance to see her face to face, but you can be sure, when I have enough money and I'm old enough to travel by my own, I'm going to meet her. I wanna hug her, and tell her how much she means to me, without being on a internet text. I wanna tell her that all those feelings are real. To meet her after so many years, that day is gonna be one of the most important days of my life, if not the most important. I just wanna see her face to face to see that she's real, because she's so amazing that it's so hard to find someone that great. But yeah, I found someone amazing, great, beautiful, extremely talented, lovely and special like Hope. I just want her to know that I'll always love her, no matter how far away we are. She'll always have a special place in my heart and in my life. I just hope our friendship stays like this forever. Because without her love and support, I can't live. I love you dead serious, my sweet duck kiwi <3

John Frusciante - Song To The Siren

Great song, even though it's not originally by John Frusciante (it is by Tim Buckley), this version is great, peaceful, beautiful, a complete masterpiece!

"O dinheiro gera poder, o poder gera corrupção, a corrupção gera rebeldia, e a rebeldia revolução." <3 <3
"Money generates power, power generates corruption, corruption generates rebellion, and rebelian revolution." <3 <3
"El dinero genera poder, el poder genera corrupción, la corrupción genera rebeldia, y la rebeldia revolución." <3 <3

This dress is so gorgeus *:* The details, the colour... It is so lovely!!! <3 <3

Good morning. One of the things I love the most are my instruments.
I love my three guitars not only because they're mine and because I love music. I love them because they are my support, they're always here when I need to play to feel better. Because playing guitar changes my mood. It makes me smile, and helps me expressing myself. My guitars, for me, aren't only instruments, are like friends.
The other instrument I play is the violin. I started in September. Well, I don't play that well, but I'm starting to love it. I decided to learn it because my mother wanted to. And, in the beggining, I didn't like it, at all. But, slowly, I'm starting loving it. It has just a sad sound for me, like screaming for help. And also, it reminds me a lot on the gothic music.

So, this is what I've done all day (this post). It's a really hard post to do, because I cried so fn' much and stoped a lot because I couldn't keep writing any longer.

1- Self-harm


As you can see, those two pictures are related to self-harm. Yes, I suffer from self-harm. And no, I don't do it for attention. It's my way to deal with the pain. I don't cry, I cut myself. Self-harm is a serious problem, specially because it is addictive. I do it since I'm 10, and now I'm 14. It's a secret I try really hard to hide, because it's written all over my body. If you look at my arms, you see my scars. If you look at my legs, here they are, my scars. All these scars represent the battles I've lost. All the stories I try so hard to forget and erase.

2- Eating disorder (not diagnosticated)


I'm having a hard time in dealing with my body. I feel so fat, I'm so fat. I'm 52kg, what the hell? See the body in the first picture? I dream since I'm a little girl to have that body. I know the girl from the picture is really ill. I know it's a very dangerous disorder (bulimia/anorexia). But I simply can't avoid the fact I have my body and my face, and that I really need to get thinner. Doesn't matter how many times I'll have to throw up a day. I'll get skinnier.

3-Suicide




I think suicide is the big issue in my life. The first picture explains it all. I tried it 3 times, just 2 of them could eventually work right. One I cut my wrist, but it wasn't a lot, because the image of the blood disgusted me and my mother showed up. She believed it was an accident; the second one was with pills. I swalloed more or less 20 valium pills. Anything happened, no one noticed a thing. I had an enormeous headache and I was really lazy. It was frustrating because I didn't want to wake up; the third one was with pills again, and again, anything happened. It's so frustrating. But, mostly, it's sad. Sad that suicide seems the only way out.


Note: this post doesn't intend to "support" any of the three things refered. It just shows how I feel. If you need to talk about things like that, or anything else, feel free to talk. I'm always here to help everyone. My email is the easiest way to contact me: bcmv.nkc@gmail.com. 

  Really relatable. (no, the image is not mine.)

My version:
They asked her what she loved about him. And she answered:
"His smile. I don't see him smiling often, but when I see, it's amazing. It gives me strenght. His eyes, so dark, and seem so lost. The way he looked at me when we talked. It was comforting. The way he walks, and gently moves his hands while talking. The way he turns his head when I pass through him. The way he plays guitar and moves his head while playing. The way he talked about "Smells like Teen Spirit" and, at the end, smiled. The way he repeats "what what; yes yes; no no". The way he touched me when he said goodbye. There are so many things I love about him, and I don't know him well. But the thing I love the most about him is the happiness and joy that arrive in me every time I see him. For me, that feeling is priceless." 

 My anarchy symbol "tattoo" :) (It's an addiction I have, to write things on my writs with a pen)