My weight has become my obsession. It's all I think about. This has come to a point that I can't control these thoughts anymore. I look at food and automatically wonder how many calories does it have. I try to find excuses to starve, but sometimes I can't , and when that happens... I just think "I hate myself so much". I feel disgusted when I look at my reflection. It's all fat. I'm ugly and fat. I hate my body. Although I lost some weight, it's not enough. I still look like a fat pig.
My problem is that, when I'm on vacation, I don't know how to keep my mind busy, so I think about food way more than I want. And that leads to binge eating phases, or starvation phases.
I hate binge eating phases. They make me feel like shit, the most horrible person in the world. They make me feel like I have no control in myself.
Contrariwise, starvation phases make me feel powerful. They make me feel on the top of the world, like I'm able to control everything. I'm able to control my own body and mind. I can win this fight between myself and my brain. Hunger is temporary, the glory of loosing weight and feeling thin seems eternal to me.